On my own again

well, not really, but at least jobless again. I was laid off from my job yesterday. Actually not a terrible blow or a surprise, because I was working very hard to scrounge for work there (my position was new, so it was pretty obvious after not too long that it wasn't really necessary). OK, I wasn't really working HARD. The whole fiasco was a serious struggle with guilt over my bipolar and depressive tendencies helping me to work less effectively, combined with not really having enough work to do. I actually feel like it was a great blessing, having a job that paid me that well to mostly just stay at home and do very little. My benefits are all from my husband (except for the adoption bennies, darn it all), so that won't be a problem. We can actually stand losing the income, though it would still have been nice to get out of debt faster.

The big problem I am having now is finding a sense of purpose. I am 34 years old and I can find no reason for my existence. For someone who needs to be needed, this is a painful state in which to be. The big question right now in my head is 'why' -- not 'why did this happen?' but 'why do anything?' Everything feels rather pointless. I really don't want to go back to computer work. I really don't. But I have no idea what I want to do, which leaves me not wanting anything. Argh. If anyone has inspiration, gumption, and care, please pack them up and send them to me. I seem to have lost all mine.

My new office

Remember that bit about me, about my being lazy? Well a good example of this is our office. We moved into this house in December of 1999, with an office that we decided to leave unfinished to save a few bucks. The office quickly filled up with analog (paper) and digital information and I found it too much just to keep the dang place organized, let alone finish it. Needless to say, this sure made it hard when it came to my current job, where I work from home.
Well, NO MORE. This weekend my Mom and sister were in town and my in-laws came over for the culmination of months of real planning and supply-purchasing. We removed everything, cleaned up the subfloor and walls, then painted (a nice eggshell in a very pale sage green), put in maple laminate flooring, replaced my old desk with a nice new one, and I am currently sitting in such a nice, organized, color-coordinated workstation that I hardly know how to get anything done. :) We haven't put everything back yet -- not even close, actually -- but the layout changes are already such a huge improvement that I don't know how I was able to stand it for 5 and a half years in such a dump. And considering that with the paint, painting supplies, flooring, new desk and new organization doo-dads we spent only about $400 total...well, I don't think we did badly at all.